heathrow sux

London Heathrow airport is an interesting and enriching experience that enables one to better appreciate all things that do not suck nearly as much (which, to a very close approximation, is all things).

After the usual 10-minute bus trip between terminals, we had to traverse the entire length of Terminal 1 three times. We got to the entrance of the departure gate only to be told that we had to go back to the beginning to get a biometric scan. I'm not talking about the usual indignities, like seizing our terribly dangerous four-ounce bottles of water, or making us strip off our belts and shoes, or submitting to the random anal probes -- that's all old news. No no, this is a new one, where we get digitally fingerprinted and retinal eye-scanned. Think of all those high-tech security scans in sci-fi movies, like "Total Recall", "Minority Report", "Gattaca", "Code 46", and others. Now add in the Voight-Kampff test from "Bladerunner". Well, it's here, folks! We then had to register the digital fingerprint scan again back at the departure gate, just to make sure that we hadn't sneakily changed our DNA identity during the 15-minute walk. Sheesh.

The wing we're sitting in while waiting for our flight to Dublin is disgusting. I am actually experiencing full-on disgust and revulsion as i write these words. There are plenty of negative associations already built-up with this place, since we've been stuck here twice before -- domestic flights are routinely delayed (occasionally due to high winds, but usually due to general incompetence).

The terminal we're in is reminiscent of the inside of a large tin can turned on its side. The walls are concave corrugated aluminum, making it just about the most austere inhospitable dehumanizing soul-crushing decor a sociopath could ever conceive. The fabric seats are filthy beyond words. There is hardly any ventilation, which is just dandy, given the thousands of exhausted gamey sweaty travelers that file through here every day. Without wanting to belabour the point, let's just say this is a fine centerpiece in the Orwellian dystopia that is Heathrow airport.

[Did you see "Children of Men"? I'm certain the fascist Fortress State of oh-so-near future England was modeled on Heathrow. This place is the germ where the epidemic began.]

Oh well, one has to take the good with the bad, and this is the price we pay for a lovely week spent in Alberta. We were there primarily for Xan's Canadian citizenship exam, but it was also an opportunity to take care of some chores (like taxes and banking) and catch up with people.

It was nice to gorge on some of our yummy healthy comfort foods. After a big grocery spree, we had a bonanza of wholesome goodies to choose from. We both went for the nectarines first, but the 3-colour cole slaw and real yoghurt weren't far behind. [Right now i'm snacking on a distinctly Albertan delicacy: tasty and nutritious roasted Wheat Crunch (Cool Ranch flavour:).]

Despite the nuisance, it was strangely enjoyable to stroll along the crazy Tim Horton's line-up that ran out the exit, wound through tunnels and into the adjoining office tower. The journey didn't take too long, and it was well rewarded with the magical elixir that is genuine TH coffee. There are many more food-related anecdotes from the trip -- suffice it to say that i overindulged in that particular aspect of home.

However, a much greater pleasure was visiting with people, especially those at the U of A (the poker group, naturally, but also the Hex guys, the Netflix team, and a dozen other friendly faces). It's only been four months, but that's a long time when you're used to seeing them almost every day. It is enough time away to gain a bit of distance and a fresh perspective, and my conclusion is obvious and unequivocal: the people there are awesomely awesome. It's especially evident in contrast to Heathrow, where the people are often discourteous, uncooperative, passive-aggressive, and thick as a brick. [Not a fair comparison at all, of course, putting cool computer ubergeek elites up against the proletariat rabble of Oceania, but i can't help noticing the dramatic difference between these ultra-gentle and ultra-hostile environments.]

Okay, i'm gonna stop raggin' on this grotesque aluminum cesspool, and focus on something more positive and constructive -- leaving this hellhole!